Yet Another Late-Night Soliloquy

So I'm back.

And I'm adapting, though a bit more slowly than I'd expect myself to. The last two weeks have not been the most pleasant of re-introductions into the host culture, but personal sense of destiny (i.e. there's no way I'm going to drop out like this), kendo, and the looming threat of failure have managed to put me back in line.

And then there's the sky.

Oh, yes. I had almost forgotten. Forgotten how the stars were supposed to shine back through the inky night, celestial beings forever winking down from between the clouds. How the sunsets were not just the mundane travels our earth around the mighty star, but rather the brilliant display of so many hidden workings of the planet. How the sky can be so clear, you could feel the endlessness of outer space beyond.

Indeed, in my heart's distressed wanderings, I overlooked the many things that made me feel this place to be the right one. The reasons why I thought this was home for the next four years at least, why I thought it better than Auckland (until I found Wellington, but that's another story). In fact, I had been so sure before that I would enjoy my time here, that I would be practical and live in the now.

Of course, I'm an impractical soul. Honestly. The moment I'm reminded of the things I left behind, a glimmer of doubt breaks through. Why am I here? What am I doing here? Why should I be here? All these raced through my mind. My heart, or something close to it, pleaded for a change of place, to be out of this landlocked town in the middle of the dairy region.

I considered the options. I could easily leave. Well, easy is a relative term. I ask to be transferred, pack my bags, and scamper off to some other city in search of new grounds. But then what? I doubt I'd be happy for long wherever it is I moved into. There would be the excitement of being new, of being somewhere else...but then that would fade away into routine and I'd be stuck in this predicament once again. So, what's a guy to do?

Well, I reasoned with myself that it would only be three, four more years at the most. After that I'm pretty much welcome to bugger off wherever I please (though in reality, lack of funding will probably be an obstacle at the beginning). It's just like that night in the gym, the night I rather idiotically volunteered to watch over training equipment for instructors who had come from overseas.

Come to think of it, the conditions were eerily similar to my current predicament. Choosing without clearly thinking through the consequences. In the long term, that could be connected to me actually enrolling up in this part of the world, without having much thought on what I'd do afterwards or how I'd cope after a while. As for the gym night, I didn't think about how cold it would get (mind you, this was in winter, so it was pretty stupid to only bring a sleeping bag and sweater for warmth) or how uncomfortable sleeping directly on a wooden floor could be. As the night progressed, things became increasingly discomforting. The temperature dropped, I couldn't sleep, I didn't bring any food or water...yeah, pretty stupid. Couldn't contact anyone; it was midnight by then. I had to rest up for the following day, as there would be a whole lot more training involved and I'd miss out on too many things I'd probably never get the chance to learn again. Amidst all this, doubt began to flourish. Oh, leaving would be easy. I could just walk out the door, go home, sleep, and come back the next morning well rested. Just like that. But I'd be going against something I've promised to do. Giving up and letting down the people I had started to see as family...stay it was. In the end, I managed to sleep. I found the switch that controlled the heater fan for the gym, and could construct a makeshift bed out of some chairs. And the reward was worth it. Not only did I retain the trust and welcome from my adopted family, I also got a rare item from the most senior sensei, Yoshihiko Inoue-sensei. Oh, and some 6000 xp from surviving the two-day camp. I probably leveled up twice in that one weekend.

But I'm digressing.

The point is, this could be just like that night. A stretched out version. Staying and going through with the original plan might seem like a waste of time now...but I could always find ways of making it through. Maybe even make it enjoyable. The reward's also there. On the other hand, if I walk out the door, I could be faced with other opportunities...but perhaps not the ones I'm looking for. Either way, each action has its own set of consequences and opportunities. But for now, I'll stick with Plan A. See how it rides out. I'm already here, I've already paid...might as well make it worthwhile rather than ditching it for some other plan I haven't clearly thought out either.

In a word...meh.

p.s. To Yaz and Nda, if you guys are reading this, please know that the reason why I haven't written back is because I still have no idea what to write about. What? Write about my life? Preposterous. Compared to you guys my life is pretty much as stable as a noble gas...haha. Oh, all right. I'll write. Cheers.

[End Transmission]