Music

I recently borrowed a friend's unused iPod earphones (no, this isn't going to be a rant about how my iPod failed me, that'll be for next time). Not having used my Pod as it was supposed to be used for about six months now, as a portable audio playback device, I immediately jumped on the chance to walk out in a perfectly sunny and pleasant afternoon around the campus lakes. I put the thing on shuffle and headed out the door.

The first song to come up was Jacksonville, by Sufjan Stevens.

It was a somewhat surreal moment. One of those snippets in life where everything suddenly falls into place and you feel that all is good in the world, if only for that short stretch of time. The pre-sunset sunlight, the smell of the grass and the trees, the gentle breeze that played around the tips of my ears mixed into the flow and the feel of the song. The words may have been a little irrelevant (and a bit disconcerting at parts), but the voice they were sung in helped them join harmoniously with everything else. I ended up sitting under one of the bigger trees next to the large sports field and looking up at the sky.

Moments like these really etch themselves into personal history.

Though I've had his music for quite some time now (about 4-5 years now), it's only now that I picked up on it. He's still not one of my favorites, but being here has given new perspectives with which I can 'view' his music.

Still, I probably would have said the same about Tingstadt and Rumbel if they happened to pop up first. Haha.

[end transmission]

Realizations

I recently underwent the realization that I'm not 'home'.

Yeah, it took that long.

I woke up yesterday morning (or afternoon, if you'd like to be precise), dreading the 2 pm exam. The sun's shining outside, some light filtering through the gaps between my curtains. A little bit bleary eyed, I grope around for my handphone to switch off the only tune I can wake up to. Then I sit up, look around my Romanesque (i.e. Romanesque post-Vandals, Huns, and what-have-you-nots) room, take a sip from my water bottle and softly clear my throat. It had to be that morning that I realised it's almost exactly the same thing I've been doing for every morning in the last 8 months. The novelty of living in a new place seems to have worn off some time ago; I'm by no means jaded, but it's become so much a part of me now that I don't see it. Now that I've decided to return to 'home', where the family is, things do seem a little different. The skies, the smell of fresh grass, the fact that the majority of people I see here at any given time are Caucasian...things I've started to simply accept as part of it all.

To be honest, I miss very few things about 'home', excluding family and friends. I miss the food, the sounds of a bustling city, things not closing up at 5 in the afternoon, and being somewhere where the people are physically similar to myself. Well, maybe not the last part. Oh, and being somewhere that has less drunken teenage yobbos/blokes/idiots/etc. on the weekends. Other than that, I'd say it's better to be here. I don't miss the polluted _____ (insert object of choice), the highly visible poverty, the stupidity (especially of public transport drivers), and the sheer mass of humanity that lives within the city's boundaries. Yes, you'd be correct to say I'm sitting on my high horse for this one. But it's truth (or semi-truth). If I'm a rational person given the choice to live and work back 'home' or some exotic country (which may or may not be similar to 'home'), I'd go for the exotic country. Why? Just because there's that hesitance to return home.

But it's not that I don't ever want to go back home. Much as I dislike the notion, I do feel a sort of 'homesickness' for the familiar climes. And there's that whole looming-over-the-horizon thing about repaying the country for the opportunity I received (well, more like the opportunity my parents received, and me through that proxy). As much as I'd like to, I don't really have good reason to turn my back on the country which I grew up in and claim citizenship elsewhere. And since the ethnicities of which I am part of are within that country (not that it matters, I just want to ramble), I guess I can't really escape what I really am.

Meh.

That was a rather long and meaningless rant. Screw the ending, I'm going to bed.

[End Transmission]

Sakura

I said I'd put up something about cherry blossoms, so here's to fulfilling that promise. Well, kind of. Most of the blossoms are gone, and spring is going into full gear now. That aside, here's what I said I'd put up.






And to wrap it up, the official ending song to Byousoku 5 Centimeter.



Enjoy.

[end transmission]

Ni-Ju

Ah.

I have drifted through four more seasons, a new mark on my lengthly stay in this plane of existence.

I must say, it doesn't feel any more different than last year. I'm pretty much still the same person, still making stupid mistakes, still doing things wrong. But I do think I managed to do a few things right in the span of all this time, little bits and pieces of time and space that I knew were worth the effort I put into it.

I guess my previous age set me up quite nicely for this one. I've made so many more choices, mistakes, and personal triumphs than I ever had. It also marks the first time I'll be "celebrating" beyond the reach of my family. Almost. Not that it's a bad thing, but it's something I may have to get used to as I grow older and older as the earth completes more cycles around the sun.

Anyway, it's strange that I feel strangely calm about it; last year was a rather...angsty birthday. Struck with the realization that I was stuck in neutral gear and aging to boot, I kept lamenting the fact that my youth is nearing its end. But now...well, now my world seems to present so many more possibilities and opportunities. I can scarcely wait for my next year to end to gauge the extent of improvement in my kendo. Perhaps I'll be competing then, though probably getting pwned by everyone else for a start. It's also another year of university (hopefully), more challenges and fun, new people to meet and work with.

Yea.

It's all good. And I don't even need to celebrate it; it's a celebration in its own way.

Of course, all due thanks to God and parents, who have kept me alive, (somewhat) well, and prepared to face life on my own.

p.s. for those wondering why I haven't posted anything up lately, even with the promised videoclip from the last post, it's because things have been quite all over the place, what with Eid (whoops, should've posted that up too) and exams. Gomen.

[end transmission]

5 Centimeters per Second

Okay. I admit, I sometimes let a few tears slip out when it comes to watching rather dramatic moments in movies. Like when Mufasa died in The Lion King. Or when Lord Katsumoto dies in The Last Samurai, rather than Tom Cruise (admittedly, those were tears of disbelief that the only white person in the samurai army survives everyone else in a hail of steel and brimstone). If memory serves me correctly, I was inconsolable at the end of the Les Miserables production, where *SPOILER!* Jean Valjean dies of old age and goes to heaven escorted by a chorus *SPOILER!*. Watching most of The Curse of the Golden Throne also comes to mind...though those were out of an entirely different emotion altogether. Might have been the pain of...er...best not write about it in a family-safe blog like this. Especially not since quite a few people are reading these sordid accounts...

Now, I haven't seen any movies good enough to warrant any manly tears (because if I say otherwise it would be labeled sissy tears). Come to think of it, the last movie I saw in the theater was Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. Which was a letdown, really. But that's apart from the point. The point is that I've been too lazy (and cheap) to go into town and buy a movie ticket. Let me just add that the reason I watched Harry Potter was because I was desperate to get out of the house and my kendo buddy Awa offered me to join him, his girlfriend, and his girlfriend's (unfortunately underaged) sisters watch Harry Potter. Thus, transportation and desperation solved, I steeled myself and sat through that horse buggy of a movie. Not that I should be complaining, seeing as to how I scored a free ride. Har.

So it came to chance, as I was sick, that another Kendo buddy, Benji, came over and gave me a DVD chock full of anime- and kendo-related stuff (he's also the one who introduced me to the wonderful world of Azumanga Daioh). Why he wasted a perfectly good DVD on a dud like me is still a mystery (could it be, gasp, friendship?), but it's appreciated nonetheless. After watching the likes of Yojimbo and Twilight Samurai - both very, very excellent, by the way - I came across a little (as in 475 MB) video file named '5 Centimeters per Second'. Being the procrastinator that I am, I clicked on it instead of doing my homework and ended up being mesmerized for an hour and a half by the works of Makoto Shinkai. And I've got to say, this guy has an eye for detail. All of the backgrounds are heavily detailed, and will probably look pretty much the same in real-world Japan. It's crazy. For a guy who started out animation only using Photoshop, he's got mad skills in both illustration and storytelling. Not to mention the sweet-but-melancholic tunes of composer Tenmon. He's not quite Joe Hisaishi, but he always manages to set the feeling just right.



5 Centimeters per Second is an anime trilogy about the separation between two people, beginning from junior high up till adulthood. They are best friends first, are separated, become lovers, are further separated, and suddenly their connection is cut. How it ends...well, as much as I'd like to write it out so that my next few paragraphs make sense, it's something best watched on your own. Suffice to say it was a profoundly 'WTF', yet hard-hitting, ending for me. Actually, the tears came out during the first chapter, 'Oukashou'. But the second and third installments, though progressively leaning a bit into the realm of daytime soap opera fare, are also of large significance to me.

So why did I bother to get all worked up over the first episode? The main plot is that a year after being separated after graduating from primary school, Tohno-kun (the boy), decides to meet Akari (the girl) before he moves even farther away to his parents' next workplace. They've been in contact for a year, patiently writing to each other, and he embarks on a trip to the region outside of Tokyo (where he lives) to see her. Let's just say it isn't the easiest of journeys, and a lot of reminiscing happens. At the climax, things get quite desperate, and the narration becomes solemn and heavy. This is when two, nay, three tears dropped out. The way Makoto Shinkai portrayed Tohno-kun's anguish on a delayed train, knowing that he may have missed his last chance to meet a beloved *wink wink* friend was just...well...too much. Almost real. I could feel that pain. Not sure if it's because I've had a similar feeling...though it probably is. Perhaps I saw a bit of me in Tohno-kun, and that's why it felt 'real'. Meh.

Now, I would've been happy with the ending of 'Oukashou' (no spoilers :D), seeing as to how 'Cosmonaut' and 'Byousoku 5 Centimeters' started losing the touch the first chapter had. But as I said, both rang their own tunes in me. 'Cosmonaut' follows on where 'Oukashou' left off, around three years after the trip. Both Tohno-kun and Akari are senior highschool students now, both living far away from each other (though in the same country). The focus now draws on Tohno's life, and the girl who has been hopelessly smitten by his personality. However, he's still fixated on Akari, or rather the memory of her. A few spoilers coming your way, along with a soliloquy... be ye fairly warned.


By Cosmonaut, the boy is no longer in contact with his girlfriend. However, he continues to dream and think about her, never really doing much else. He types text messages but never sends them, instead preferring to keep her as a memory. A girl at his new school falls for him, but by the end of the film she realises that whatever she does, he'll never notice her because he's too engrossed in thinking of his old love. In 5 Centimeters Per Second, it's been years after, and both the boy and his old love are now adults. Though living in the same city, they never meet. While she has decided to move on, he keeps himself in the past, burying his feelings through work. Still, when cherry blossoms bloom, the feelings re-emerge, and he becomes bitter with the knowledge that he lost his youth mooning over a girl that could still have been his.

For some reason, the whole trilogy resonates within me. There is truth in each one, and especially with the ending. I've seen that relationships work only when both people are ready to make the necessary effort to keep the feelings alive. Yet, even with that knowledge, I don't really do much about it. Rather than go out and actively look for a girlfriend, I assure myself that a) I can't get one because I'm a mess of a person, or b) when she'll arrive in my life, I'll know instantly. Of course, I do realize the futility in both. But I still don't choose to do something else. Like the boy in the movies, I try to avoid it by busying myself with other things, like doing kendo and drawing lazy-ass comics (two things I doubt will get me any closer to finding a girlfriend, coincidentally).

Also, I know for sure that I've once failed to notice the feeling of affection towards me because I was too busy chasing after an idealized version of a girl who rejected me. Not even chasing; just like the boy in the movies, I simply did nothing to remedy my situation. Or really think much beyond it. Perhaps I could have had a great (if short) relationship with a girl who liked me for what I was, rather than spend much of my senior year moping and complaining about how I couldn't get a girlfriend. One fun point to poke out - I was so taken aback by her offer that I never answered. Simply put, I'm not desperate, for if I were, I would be desperately talking up all the Japanese/Chinese/Taiwanese/Korean women on campus in hopes that one of them would consider me good enough as a boyfriend. I think I'm actually scared of making that jump, from only thinking about myself and my wants to thinking about another person all the time.

The irony is, even if I write it out for all to see on this blog, I'm probably not going to do anything about it. Though I don't plan on staying single for the entirety of my university days (which would be a waste of potential, given that I didn't experience it in my school days), I'm probably going to bury myself in kendo and friendships, putting on the airs of a desperate pervert only to satisfy the curiosity of others as to why I don't yet have a girlfriend. Kind of like Tohno-kun.


Well, that's out of the way now. This kind of reminds of the time I wrote an entire essay-length entry on the game The Shadow of the Colossus back in my old (and DEAD! DEAD, I TELL YOU, DEAD! MWAHAHAHAH!) blog. I can get quite worked up about something so damn trivial, and ignore the fact that my *cue Borat-esque accent* home country has been on the business end of a few earth earthquakes lately. Or how people seem to object to the idea of nuclear power, although if as much resources were put into developing better techniques to use it efficiently, it would probably be better than using fossil fuels.

And yes, I do realize that last sentence has nothing at all to do with anything I've said before.

By the way, 5 cm per second is the speed by which sakura petals fall. And that is a major theme in the movie. Next mini-post will be the end theme of the trilogy, and you might see a bit more why it drove me to cry alone in a dark room.

On the other news...Daylight Savings Time starts this Sunday, which is coincidentally the day of my ERTH104 field trip. Joy! This means that instead of going at the reasonably early time (well, for me) of 8.45 AM, I get to go at 7.45 AM. Huzzah! At least it also means it'll get warmer soon, and that the nights will become a little bit more bearable without the heater (the damn thing died on me two weeks ago, but I dare not let anyone come into my guerilla-camp-with-Saxon-treasure-hoard-atmosphere-esque room...*shudder*). Such is life.

Ah, and I completely forgot to put on pictures of the sakura that I mentioned two posts ago. They'll come up as soon as I get batteries. Yeaa.

p.s. a belated Happy Anniversary for my Yankung and Yandung...love you both!

[End Transmission]

The Road To Recovery (And Other Sweet Nothings)

Well, I'm not dead yet, so I have be thankful for that.

Unfortunately, I'm not exactly in the pink just yet (as in 'in the pink', rather than 'in pink', which would be an unusually fashionable choice for me), and thus I embark on this journey to Recovery. Now, I'm not sure when I get there. Heck, I'm not even sure where Recovery is. All I know is that it's close when I can start eating more solid foods and not have my stomach bitch every now and again. So, it's a diet of white bread, pumpkin, eggs, honey, rice cakes, and tofu until then. Not that I'm complaining, really. I've come to appreciate the finer points and subtleties of each as a result of having to eat almost nothing else. Bread brings fluffy and salty-sweet comfort, hard-boiled eggs bring strength and variety. Honey is laced with energy and emotional uplift (although eating it by the spoonful is probably a faster route to diabetes at the rate I'm at), while pumpkin is soft and smooth, going easily down. As for tofu, it's silky and chunky, tasting like nothing else in the menu. And rice cakes? Well, I need a snack every now and then. Ha. Oh, and I forgot the kumara, potatoes, and rice porridge. Meh.

Being sick for the first time on my own proved to be a rather dramatic affair. The moment I acknowledged that the twisting and stabbing pain in my stomach was not something I normally have (ranging from mild to heartburn), it was 2 AM. As luck would have it, my flatmates were up and I got a ride to the clinic. For the days to come, I got visited by some of my countrymen and international friends, all looking quite worried. The plus side was that I got to see a bit more of my RA, who sometimes saw me sitting up in my room and came by to say hi and have a little chat. Heheh. Other than that, felt pretty crappy for about four days while waiting for the lab results to come out. No doubt my folks were a little worried when I told them about it (probably not the best thing to do immediately). But it all worked out. My body took its revenge (and still is), I, as the soul which drives it, had to let it run its course. Now I'm struggling to give it the rest it wants, while my mind keeps going on late into the night. Ah, well. Life will continue...soon enough.

Also, for some reason I'm completely hating my Economics 110 paper. I don't know why. I just do. I feel like I'm failing it (and probably am). Hm. Might have to talk to my lecturer about it.

Other than that...finally managed to book a flight to the homelands...more to come soon. Right after I'm done sussing out every other detail concerning my life here. Yes.

[end transmission]

Cherry Blossoms and Abdominal Pains

This has to be a first time that I get to see cherry blossoms in a long time. This has also got to be the first time I experience inexplicable abdominal pain.

No, I haven't been drinking the detergent. And no, it's not a period.

For some reason, I woke up at two this morning with the center of stomach feeling like pins and needles. I figured it was some really bad indigestion going on, so I downed two bottles of Norit (yay, charcoal!) and tried go back to bed. By three, it got a bit worse, and it definitely wasn't the gas. The best I could do was huddle and clutch my stomach, hoping it would get better. It didn't. So I figured I might as well eat the pre-fast meal of the day. Which turned out to be quite a mistake, seeing as my stomach was disagreeing with my downing two kiwifruits and a piece of bread. So I downed another bottle and hoped it would pass. Not the brightest idea, I know. Anyway, I was able to somewhat sleep in, and had to miss two morning tutorials as it got a little uncontrollable. By eleven, it subsided enough to allow for proper movement. Feh. I probably should've broken my fast by then. Go figure.

Anyway, no doctors on campus until Monday, which leaves me only with the option of going into the town clinic...which is fcking expensive. Option 1: ignore and ride the pain. Option 2: give in and pay the bill to figure out what exactly is eating me from within (wow, so emo).

The upside was that I finally noticed that we have cherry blossoms on campus. And they're in bloom! If it weren't Ramadan (and drinking on campus were allowed), I'd have asked some of the guys from kendo to have a little cherry blossom viewing event. The kind with drinking hot sake and singing off key. Yes. And staging mini-pseudo-kabuki plays! Damn.

I'll post some pictures of the cherry blossoms as soon as I get some replacement batteries for the camera...curses...

[end transmission]