Interlude

So, I woke up in the middle of the night earlier for absolutely no reason. Just did. Was suddenly awake (unlike the last three days, which have been disastrous to say the least). Spent an eternity just looking at my wooden ceiling and kaputt light.

Then I started laughing, also for no reason.

Snickering first, then chuckles, then suddenly I found myself laughing out loud. I can only hope my flatmate didn't hear that going on.

So what was I laughing about?

Beats me. One of those random moments in life where it all seems so...hilarious. The past month has been a bit of a rollercoaster. Or a sinkhole, to be more precise. Started off with not being able to put in an essay in time...which gave me some sort of excuse to start dragging my feet and feeling (or thinking that I feel) depressed. It's been a slow, slow descent, with periods of freefalling now and then. The indirect result of that being a completely messed-up sleeping and eating pattern. I've lost about 2 kg in last month, and it actually shows now. I'm roughly the size I used to be back in 2005...and even worse my pants are now almost 2 sizes too big. It's frigging ridiculous.

The good news is a) I'm not the only person who's gone through this shitestorm (pardon my language), and b) I actually found a way to help me regain myself. After consulting with various sources, notably my folks and a student counselor, I've been trying to implement some plan to get me off my self-pitying ass and working. Which has resulted in last week spent almost entirely in the library. Not pleasant...but it does get me working. Less temptations, I suppose. And for the most part, it worked for a few assignments. The challenge now is to keep it that way...or at least make sure I know what I'm working for.

Which really does lead to the (or at least the major) cause of why I've been wasting my time and not studying properly - I've lost sight on what I'm really here for. Perhaps not completely, but enough to get me sidetracked quite a distance. The difference between this and kendo is that in kendo, I can see where training will lead me. I train harder, build discipline, form instincts, and that can result in me having a chance to become a champ one day. But uni seems so different. The last month has made me think about the future...and the more I think about it, the bleaker it seems. Probably because I haven't really had any information on what happens after. Life outside of school and university seems a little...daunting. Hahaha.

Anyway, I've said too much already.

[End Transmission]